Your Frequently Asked Shiva Questions, Answered

While I was on the board of trustees at Temple Sholom, I was surprised to discover that I was expected to attend shivas for people in the community who I didn’t know well or even at all. I had only ever been to two before, and they were for family members. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know if I could handle it. I didn’t want to go.

Luckily for me, I’m good friends with a rabbi. So I asked Leah Doberne-Schor lots of questions while I worked up the nerve to visit a house of mourning. I asked things like “What do I wear?” and “Am I supposed to bring food?”

Leah also explained answers to questions I hadn’t thought of, like “Don’t ring the bell. Just head on in.”

Armed with this information, I was able to handle going to a shiva just fine, and I’ve gone to many more since then. Guess what? I think we’re all better for it—me and the mourners. I didn’t catch their pain. I just tried to hlep them understand that they are not alone.

Keeping in mind that a lack of knowledge may be what holds you back from attending a shiva, Leah and I created this Shiva FAQ. Please read it and pass around the link to this page to those who you think could use it!

Q. What is a shiva? 

A. Let’s start by explaining the Jewish funeral. The purpose of a funeral is to bury the deceased. That is considered a sacred obligation that must be accomplished in the speediest manner possible.

But once the funeral is over, our attention turns to the family of the deceased—to the mourners. Jewish tradition teaches that mourners need time to grieve their loss, and that it is the responsibility of the community to be there to comfort them.

The first seven days are considered a period of most intense mourning (shiva means “seven”), a time when in some communities mourners return to their homes or to the home of the deceased, separate from everyday tasks and spend time mourning their loss.

During this time, the community’s job is to comfort the mourners, in particular by visiting them during the period of shiva.

It isn’t usually easy to pay a shiva call. It can feel uncomfortable or awkward to visit when you know the purpose is to be there for a friend or community member who has just lost someone. We don’t know what to say or what to do. Some of the customs can feel strange to us.

And yet, it is important to attend. We can make such a difference simply by being there.

Q. When should I arrive? 

A. This depends on the family. Many times a family will announce “hours of visitation.” In some communities, services are held at the house in order to ensure that there is a minyan (10 adult Jews, or, in some communities, 10 adult Jewish men) so that the mourners can recite the Mourner’s Kaddish. If there is to be a worship service, consider coming at that time. If you’re coming at a different time, it’s best to call ahead.

Also, be respectful. If you’re going to an evening minyan, try to arrive a little early to visit, and don’t stay too late. Generally a shiva visit should last no more than an hour, maybe less.

Q. What should I wear?

A. If you’re stopping by the home of a dear friend in the middle of the day, it doesn’t matter. If you’re coming to one of the evening services or to “hours of visitation” for people you don’t know well, you can’t go wrong with business casual—for instance, khakis or slacks with button-down or polo shirt for men, dresses, skirts, or nice pants for women.

Q. What if I don’t know them that well? It feels awkward to just stop by!

A. If the announcement has gone out to the community, then this is a family that wants members of their community to be there for them. Just do it! You don’t have to stay long, but your presence does make a difference, particularly if they might be short the 10 folks needed for a minyan service.

Q. What should I bring? 

A. Most importantly, yourself! You are engaging in the mitzvah of comforting the bereaved. Just being there can let someone know that she or he isn’t alone, that others love and care for them.

That said, it’s traditional to bring or help provide a meal for mourners. Casseroles and fruit salads are popular, as are cookies and treats for all of the guests to nibble on when they stop by. Be sure to find out the dietary needs of the family first—do they keep kosher? Are they vegetarians?

One can also make a contribution of tzedakah in memory of the deceased, and some families suggest donating to a particular charity in lieu of flowers, which are not traditional for Jews. Don’t bring the check to their home, though—mail it directly to the charity and ask the charity to send a tribute card to the family.

Q. What should I do when I get there? 

A. If they’re expecting visitors, go on in without ringing the bell or knocking. This is because mourners needn’t act as hosts, and therefore shouldn’t have to come to the door. (But if you do arrive and find the door closed, it’s okay to knock or ring the bell.) If you brought food, bring it to the kitchen or add it to the food that’s already set out.

Q. What do I say?

A. The purpose of shiva is to be there to comfort the mourners. You are not there to make small talk. You are not there to make everything better or to explain their loss away. You can’t.

Take your cues from the mourner. If he doesn’t feel like talking, respect that. A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I wish I knew what to say, but I’m thinking of you” is enough. A hug (depending on how well you know the mourners) can mean so much.

If you did know the deceased, at some point consider sharing your memories with the mourners. “I remember when your mother used to....” “Solomon always had the best sense of humor, once he told me...”

Q. What happens during the service?

A. This really depends on the community. Often the service will be short. Sometimes mourners or other family members will offer some words about the deceased. Other times those attending the shiva will be invited to share their memories.

Don’t worry if you can’t follow the service or if it’s going too fast. Again, the important thing is that you are there.

Q. Should I bring my kids?

A. This depends on your children and on the community and on the mourners. Is it the home of an elderly member of your community who doesn’t have kids? Or is it the home of the parents of one of your child’s classmates? Are your kids old enough to be respectful, or are they going to run around the house tearing up the furniture and interrupt while the rabbi is speaking at the service?

That said, it is important to teach our kids about the mitzvah of comforting the bereaved. Once you feel that they are old enough (certainly around bar/bat mitzvah age), plan to bring them along, explaining to them what to expect and teaching them how to be there for those who are in mourning. If your kids are too young to attend with you, you can teach them by telling them where you’re going and why. They might even make a card or help you prepare the meal you are bringing.

Q. What if I don’t see my question here?

A. Leave your question as a comment and we’ll answer it for you!